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Nyota collapsed into a chair in the quiet isolation of her quarters, feeling stunned and numb. It hadn't sunk in yet that Jim Kirk— who was not only her commanding officer, but one of her closest friends —was dead, having sacrificed himself for her and everyone else on board the Enterprise.
She blinked back tears at the memory of the last time she saw him. Dying in the warp core chamber, skin peeling from his face as the radiation burned him, telling Spock that he was scared. Oh Stars, he had been scared. She had never seen him scared before. Not like that. That moment was a memory she knew she could never forget. One that would come to mind every time she thought of him.
Wishing for a nicer memory to associate with him, she thought back to her last interactions with him before she saw him die. With all that had happened recently, it was difficult to recall what the last thing they had said to each other was. Nyota knew it would probably be something mundane, but she wanted to find their last words and hold them close.
It came to her like a shock, and an awful dread washed over her as she remembered. They had had an argument. Over what, Nyota couldn't even remember. It felt so long ago, and whatever it was, it was probably trivial. Anything would seem trivial to her now, in the shadow of death. But she remembered the last thing she said to Jim in that moment. The last thing she had ever said to him.
"I hate you."
She hadn't meant it, but it wasn't a playful statement either. She was pissed off at him in that moment, and that emotion came out in her voice when she spoke those words. She hadn't meant it, it just came out in the heat of the moment. But did Jim know that she hadn't meant it? She would never know.
"Oh, Stars," Nyota whispered to herself. The emptiness in her chest bloomed, consuming her, and her head spun at the thought that Jim might have died thinking she hated him. That he might have died not knowing that she loved him, that he was her brother.
When she closed her eyes she found herself standing in engineering, staring helplessly as Jim died in the warp core chamber all over again. Say something! She screamed at herself. Willing herself to speak up and make sure he died knowing what he meant to her. Say something! But of course she said nothing. It was just a memory.