Chapter Text
Alone
Jim Kirk was pacing the length of his quarters for what seemed the hundredth time. At first, he had decided to focus on counting his steps just to regain some calmness in his mind. He had stopped counting at 31 and admitted to himself that patience wasn't one of his virtues.
The Enterprise had been maintaining a wide orbit around Adelous 4 for exactly 35 hours now, at a safe distance from the wormhole that was still located between the ship and the planet. Repairs of the ship’s computers and transporter were making good progress and were nearly completed. This was the good news. However, the sensors were now detecting some fluctuations in the composition of the wormhole. Also, the sensors had observed that it had slightly changed its size, and seemed to momentarily shrink before expanding again. This troubled Kirk, as Spock had predicted that the wormhole could disappear again at any time, which consequently would close the pathway back for the two landing parties.
It also increasingly worried Jim that Spock hadn't been in touch yet via the long distant communicator. Judging from the time it had taken the Hoffmann 7 probe to respond, any message that the second landing party (hopefully) had arrived safely and (hopefully) had reunited with Scotty, Brown and Monet should have come through by now. But it hadn't. That only left a few possible options. And none of them made the captain feel any less concerned.
When Spock had packed the long distance communicator and other instruments into his rucksack earlier, he had explained to Jim that the conditions in the wormhole on the Enterprise’s side allowed them to send a probe, signals and even people through without any apparent risks, as far as he had been able to determine from the measurements he had taken. But this didn’t mean that conditions on the other end of the wormhole would allow the same actions to be possible in reverse, although the FO believed that it was highly likely that they would, since they had received Scotty’s message from the other side. So, Spock concluded that a small risk remained that sending messages with the long distance communicator, and beaming back, from the other end might not be possible after all. However, the FO and Kirk had agreed that it was acceptable to take this small risk when attempting to save the missing men.
Considering all of this, it meant that there were only a few possible reasons why they hadn’t heard back from Spock yet: Either reverse communication wasn’t possible with the long distance communicator after all, it was malfunctioning or it had been damaged, the second landing party were incapacitated or - there was no one alive to send a message.
Kirk banged his flat hands against the wall and reprimanded himself for dwelling on such negative thoughts. Yes, these were all logical possibilities, but it wouldn’t help anyone if he allowed himself to act and react upon suspicions instead of facts.
Another worry on Jim’s mind was that they hadn’t heard from Scotty and the first landing party again after their first message. The possible reasons for this were nearly identical to the scenarios he had just contemplated in regard to Spock’s radio silence: Maybe the Hoffmann 7 probe was now damaged or malfunctioning, Scotty, Brown and Monet were incapacitated… or … there was no one left to send a message.
Jim had to sit down for a moment. He felt as if life itself was being sucked out of his body, out of his mind, out of his soul. He was stuck here on the Enterprise, so helpless. So powerless… But somewhere deep inside of him, Kirk still felt the power of command control within himself. He knew that this power would leave him last, if indeed, it would ever leave him at all. And being in command also meant that right now, he had to remind himself that there was no reason at all to lose faith. They had to give the men time to hopefully re-establish contact with the ship in the near future in one way or the other. If Hoffmann 7 or the long distance communicator had been damaged, Jim was certain that his brilliant CEO and FO’s would be able to repair them.
Jim starred at the entrance door to his quarters opposite the table he was sitting at. It was late evening now. This was the time when either one of two things would usually happen: Either Bones would make an appearance with a nightcap (occasionally with Scotty in tow) or Spock would drop in for a quick game of chess just before bedtime.
Kirk forced himself to direct this thoughts elsewhere. He revisited the moment an hour or so ago when he had realised that right now, there was nothing else to do for him on the bridge. Uhura had walked towards his chair and pleaded with a quiet voice that he should get some rest. She would inform him immediately should there be any contact from any of the landing parties or any other important developments. Her concern touched him, but Jim could only reward her kindness with a weak smile as he got up and left the bridge.
Three hours had passed since then. But still not a peep from either of the landing parties! Jim was getting restless again and he got up. He resumed with pacing up and down the length of his quarters. Instead of counting his strides again, this time only a single number was dominating his mind. Six.
Six men were out there. Six men who had trusted him with their lives. Who believed in him implicitly, that he would find a way to help them. To rescue them. But the bitter truth was that right now, he was totally helpless and couldn't do anything for them at all but wait for them to make contact.
Jim had been in many similar situations before where the fate of crewmembers on landing party duty had been unknown to him. What made this mission even worse was the fact that three of the missing men he considered friends. And among those three were the two closest friends he had ever known.
And then there was Chekov. The ship's youngest crewmember. Initially, Jim had been convinced that it was the right decision to send the ensign on the rescue mission. But now, in the quiet of his quarters, Kirk realised that his mind was conflicted and that he had been influenced by a struggle of interests within himself when he had made that call. The truth was, that such a young and inexperienced ensign like Pavel Chekov shouldn’t be sent on such a dangerous and challenging mission so early on in his career.
Jim stopped next to his bookshelf and leaned towards the antique piece of furniture. As another wave of exhaustion was washing over him, he thought back to the moment when he realised he had made a mistake.
Shortly after the second landing party had left, he had found himself sitting in the captain's chair, staring at the navigator's console. Lieutenant Riley, who was covering for the Russian, manned Chekov's station. As Jim stared at the back of Riley's head, he started feeling remorseful. He felt guilt about the decision he had just made. But also guilt regarding a distant past, a time he never voluntarily thought of. 1
It had been his idea to send Chekov on this rescue mission. Sure enough, the ensign's special areas of expertise qualified him to come along. But the real reason Jim decided to send the youngster along was that he actually believed he was doing the young man a favour. So that the ensign wouldn't be tormented by guilt in the future due to his unfortunate involvement regarding the disappearance of Scotty and his men. Even though they had been able to confirm that Pavel hadn’t made a mistake, he had still performed the crucial actions that had led to the men’s disappearance. So sooner or later, feelings of guilt would catch up with the young Russian, of this Jim was certain. But now it looked like that maybe there wouldn't be a later for Ensign Chekov. And it would be Jim’s fault.
Alone in his quarters, Captain Kirk had to grab the shelf to steady his exhausted body.
Had he unconsciously projected his own feeling of guilt, albeit of a different nature and attained due to a very different experience, onto the ensign?
Had he projected his own desire to redeem himself onto the navigator?
Had he intended to show Chekov a way to deal with his guilt, to protect himself from the pain that Jim was certain would torment the young man in the future?
Had Jim offered the ensign a way to escape the dark abyss that was a guilt-ridden soul, an escape route he was still seeking for himself?
Overwhelmed by the realisations that were tormenting his tired mind, Jim had to lie down on his bed. Only then, as he finally allowed his body some rest, did the captain realise he was breathing heavily and that his face was soaked with sweat.
What troubled Jim most about his realisations was that they had to be true due to a simple fact. Even though they were both experiencing guilt due to totally different experiences and circumstances, their guilt shared one, defining characteristic.
It was undeserved. They were both innocent.
Chekov and himself were suffering from a perceived guilt that was actually not justified, but had inflicted itself inside their souls after a traumatic experience. And both experiences had to do with the loss of life. In his case, a very significant loss of life which he survived, in Chekov's case, the possibility of potentially having contributed to the death of three men.
Bones would have been proud of my psychological self-assessment, Jim thought as he closed his eyes.
With a loud sigh, Kirk allowed himself to just lie there for a moment. He didn't even bother to take his boots off; he knew he would be back on the bridge with the others in just a moment. Jim understood if there was one thing he could do now, it was to give strength and hope to his crew. While the he was allowing himself the luxury to lie down for a minute, 423 men and women aboard the Enterprise were worried about their six missing shipmates. Furthermore, Jim was well aware that just like himself, officers amongst the bridge crew were also deeply worried about friends. Uhura was close to Scotty, so was Sulu. The social helmsman had also managed to befriend Chekov in a short time. Riley was good pals with Scotty's young assistants Brown and Monet. And they all cherished their logical First Officer and grumpy Chief Medical Officer.
What is this ship without those two, the captain wondered in the painful silence of his quarters.
What if they didn't come back? Until this very moment, Jim had never felt so incredibly lonely aboard his ship. He shuddered.
He put his arms around himself, suddenly feeling very cold. His quarters were comfortably warm at 24 degrees Celsius, yet he was shaking like a leaf. Jim closed his eyes as his thoughts drifted back to Spock and McCoyidea. God, how he hoped they were all right.
Whatever dangers they might have encountered, Jim Kirk prayed that at the very least, Spock and Bones hadn’t been separated and were facing them together.
1 The personal guilt Kirk is thinking about here regard his traumatic experiences as a teenager when he survived Kodos the Executioner and his genocide. In the past, I have come across a few fan fiction stories that explore this crucial point in Kirk's life, sometimes referring to or hinting at the fact that he is suffering from survivor's guilt. When writing 'Alone' I realised that this back-story has influenced Kirk's feelings and behaviour in this story, especially towards Chekov. Of course, there’s also the guilt Kirk carries that are explored in the second season episode ‘Obsession’. But as Peak Of Fools is taking place before the events of that episode, and before Kirk realises that he also carries undeserved guilt regarding the events on the USS Farragut, his thoughts in this chapter mainly relate to him surviving Kodos. But it’s also fair to say that unconsciously, the Farragut events will have influenced the captain’s behaviour in this story as well, although at this moment in time, he would not be able to recognise this as clearly as he would do after the events of ‘Obsession’.