Chapter Text
For Each A Road
1 hour and 24 minutes.
Jim Kirk’s eyes kept wandering back to the classic Terran clock from the early 20th century that was displayed on the wall of the arboretum. Sulu had purchased the antique a few months earlier from a jumble sale on Star Base 2. Rather than hanging the clock in his own quarters, the socially minded helmsman decided that the beautiful wooden piece should be accessible to all. Sulu felt that the clock fitted perfectly into the environment of the arboretum, where it could serve as a reminder for the passage of time which applies to all life-forms, including botanic life. Kirk agreed – nothing lasted forever. Hence, even though impatience threatened to overwhelm him at this precise moment, the next hour or so would pass as well.
As the captain was wandering through the many displays within this colourful and vagrant place, he admitted to himself that he had sought his favourite sanctuary onboard in order to seek distraction and calmness - but, he was failing miserably on both accounts.
1 hour and 22 minutes.
38 minutes ago they had received the third, and final, message from the landing party. The overwhelming joy he and the rest of the bridge crew had felt when they received another message, quickly gave way to shock once the code, in which the Hoffmann probe communicated, had been deciphered by Lieutenant Uhura. Jim remembered how his communication officer’s gentle features had turned into a deep frown and the relief in her eyes was replaced by worry.
Kirk stopped next to some lilac roses. His favourite flower. The fragrance was sweet but not overpowering. He breathed in deeply, his nostrils widening as they welcomed the calming scent. The tranquillity of this environment, as compared to the hustle and bustle of the bridge, allowed him to analyse his own thoughts without distraction. His emotions. For they were so deeply conflicted. Of course, he hoped for all five men to return to the ship in a little over an hour from now. Or didn’t he? But of course he did … but should he?
Jim had to sit down. He felt very tired all of a sudden. The shocking revelation in that final message, that his missing men might choose to gamble between life and death, hadn’t been the only depressing development in the last few hours.
After Lieutenants Uhura and Kyle, and other dedicated crew members, had worked tirelessly around the clock to successfully restore most of the Enterprise’s computers and the transporter, Kirk had ordered another full sensor check of Adelous 4. As the wormhole’s energy levels had fluctuated at a much lower level at that time, the ship’s sensors were able to work at nearly full capacity again. It was then that they made the grim discovery: As feared, the Cassiopeia had crash-landed on Adelous 4 and was destroyed. Sadly, there were no survivors.
Even though the cause of the crash could only be confirmed with certainty once it was safe again to beam down to the planet’s surface to conduct a full investigation, no one aboard was in any doubt that the nearby wormhole had played a part in the transport freighter’s demise. The much smaller ship, equipped with only rudimentary shields, would have been far more severely impacted by the wild energy fluctuations of the wormhole than the Enterprise. There was no doubt in Kirk’s mind that the Cassiopeia experienced a dramatic instrument failure due to the interference by the wormhole and, as a result, the transporter vessel then crashed.
But there had been some good news after all. Sulu had successfully identified three containers with dilithium crystals that had survived the freighter’s impact on the planet. Lieutenant Kyle used this discovery as a welcome opportunity to test the newly restored transporter and successfully beamed the three containers aboard. At least the Enterprise’s energy resources had now been replenished and they would be able to drop off the remaining crystals at the nearest star base. It had been a positive development in an otherwise dire 48 hours or so, but it was far too insignificant to calm the captain’s restless mind.
Yes, it was true that all things considered, he was relieved that Spock was allowing the men to each decide their own fate, rather than issuing a life or possible death order on their behalf. This was of course the most humane decision the FO could have made - it was morally and ethically the right thing to do.
However, Kirk strongly suspected that Spock favoured the logical option to seek out certain survival on that foreign planet, rather than take a 50% risk of dying. McCoy on the other hand would probably be guided by his emotions and prefer the gamble in trying to return to the Enterprise, rather than choosing a lonely life, an inhumane life, isolated on some planet in a different galaxy, out of reach of ever being rescued.
And yet, although Bones probably favoured attempting to return, Jim was convinced that the doctor would have advocated for the men to be able to decide for themselves, which, of course would go directly against Spock’s instinct to only consider the logical option. Consequently, Jim wondered if an argument between his two friends had preceded Spock’s decision to allow the men to rule over their own fates. Maybe he would never find out.
But what if Spock, as Jim expected, was now trying to influence the others to make the logical choice? Would his shipmates be easily persuaded? Or would the fear of never seeing another human face again outside of this small group of men be greater than their fear of playing Russian Roulette? Which option would be the lesser evil in the eyes of Bones, Scotty, Brown and Chekov?
Another thought entered Kirk’s mind and he couldn’t help but chuckle. The thought of spending the rest of their lives together in such isolation surly wouldn’t be appealing to Bones, nor Spock! So yes, the doctor would most likely choose to take his chances, whereas Spock, begrudgingly, would probably try to convince him to make a logical decision for once in his life and choose certain survival.
Jim shook his head as he remembered the unique dynamic between his two best friends. Yes, in normal times their constant bickering was usually endearing and often a welcome source of entertainment for himself and the crew. Their shipmates at times might shake their heads in exasperation whenever they found themselves witnessing a classic Bones-Spock disagreement, but they would always do so with a smile on their faces. Because the crew, like himself, understood that behind the banter lay mutual respect for one another, maybe even friendship, but this was something both men would never admit. For what united them was their extreme stubbornness and refusal to openly acknowledge that they actually ‘enjoyed’ the constant arguing, however tiring they both claimed it to be.
A gentle smile appeared on Jim’s face. He had long suspected that Spock and Bones must harbour at least some level of affection for one other and the only way they could express as much, was by giving each other attention through arguing. He wondered if they were aware of this. And if they would ever have the chance to find out if they weren’t.
Kirk’s eyes wandered back to the clock. 1 hour and 10 minutes. He sighed heavily. Paradoxically, this hour seemed to be passing at light and at snail speed at the same time.
So, this was the dynamic between his two best friends during normal times. But times were anything but normal and they were now in a life or possible death scenario, alongside three men that were valued and cherished by all. The lovable and deeply respected miracle worker, his young, talented assistant who had a promising career ahead of him, possibly succeeding Scotty one day as CEO - and Pavel Chekov, the youngest crewmember, bright and conscientious and who they all felt responsible for.
Jim’s heart sank at the thought that Bones and Spock might spend the final hours of their lives being at odds with one another regarding the fateful decisions they all would have to make now. So maybe, the captain thought, it would have been better if he would have embarked on the rescue mission instead of Spock. There would have been far less potential for conflict between himself and Bones. Plus, if they would have decided to seek out a new life on that planet, at least he and the doctor, for the most part anyway, would have gotten on just fine.
What a desperate situation! It unsettled Kirk that he was rattled by so many conflicting emotions. Usually, he would just hope for his men to survive somehow, anyhow. And yet, deep down, he hoped that they would all attempt to return to the ship - and would succeed in doing so. But wasn’t that extremely selfish of him? Shouldn’t he instead hope that all five men would seek certain survival?
Jim shook his head. The sad truth was, that if in 1 hour 5 minutes no one would materialise on the transporter platform, they would never know what had transpired. Lieutenant Kyle had explained to him that, in that case, due to the nature of the energy fluctuation within the wormhole, they’d never know if the transporter beam had logged on any of the men in the first place. The only way they could be certain was if some, or all, of them were successfully beamed back. So, it was possible that he wouldn’t even be granted the comfort of knowing that his men had sought certain survival and that this was the reason why no one had returned.
Jim felt tears well up in his eyes and he tried to suppress them with all his might. He had to stay strong for his crew. He could not give in to his dark thoughts. He wouldn’t have to wait for much longer until he’d find out if he’d ever see his men again or not. His two friends.
Jim hated to admit it, but he recognised why he was feeling as if he was being torn apart - he was hoping that all of the men would take their chances and go with the option which Bones was most likely to advocate - and attempt returning to the Enterprise…
…to him.
Kirk experienced a feeling that was so foreign to him, that he had rarely, ever, truly felt: Selfishness. It was an unfamiliar sensation and he hated it. His crew always came first before his own needs and desires. Always. And yet, here he was, desperately hoping that his men would play Russian Roulette, with only a 50% chance that he’d see them all again. Shouldn’t he instead wish for them to seek out survival on this far away planet on the edges of Andromeda?
Jim felt incredible guilt wash over him and he let it happen without trying to stop it. He should feel guilty. He was being selfish. It was not becoming of a starship captain.
58 minutes.
Kirk angrily wiped away some tears that had dared to escape his eyes. He couldn’t remember having felt so desperate before… and he had felt true desperation several times in his young life already. He had experienced his fair share of tragedies and he wondered if this would be another one he would have to deal with. Because deal with it he would. No matter the outcome. He would always go on.
Bones and Spock would want me to go on … he wouldn’t dishonour his friends’ wishes. They would want him to survive and continue to strive in his career.
He would go on surviving. But it didn’t mean that he would go on living.