Chapter Text
The Shots You Don’t Take
Soon the local star would set behind the horizon. The late afternoon sunshine was most welcome. The light was warming his weakened body and calmed his overactive mind.
Spock was kneeling in the open desert, about 100 meters from the edge of the energy harvesting estate where his shipmates were lingering in the shade of one of the cubes. Ro-n-do was nearby, a silent companion to the men during those fateful hours.
When Spock had left the others earlier, he observed that while Mr Scott and the doctor were sitting by themselves, each searching for answers in solitary, Ensign Chekov and Lieutenant Brown were engaged in a quiet conversation. Spock was grateful that the two youngest members of the group were consulting with one another, rather than solely focusing on what their superiors and mentors were having to say on the matter at hand. Instead, at least for now, Chekov and Brown were relying on their own truths and the wisdom only the young possess.
And wisdom they possessed plentiful. After Spock had told the men that they had just over five hours to make their decisions, the ensign had focused intensely on his tricorder for a few minutes. Then, Chekov suddenly blurted out a remarkable suggestion. Spock had been pleasantly surprised that, rather than giving in to the bleakness of the situation, the navigator had used his time productively and analysed the data they had obtained about the wormhole. Chekov explained that he had worked on his calculations in between rest periods overnight and that he finally felt confident to share his conclusions with Ro-n-do and the group.
With a wide, excited grin, the young Russian outlined how he had calculated the exact amount of the superfluous energy the Strah-leus produced on a daily basis, which had created, and was feeding, the wormhole in D-JMA’s local vicinity. Furthermore, he had analysed the molecular structure and components of the proton-like energy the Egnaro was emitting. The ensign had calculated that by building just 94 new cubes of the largest size, but with a slightly altered molecular structure in the iron-based material that was used for the constructions, all of the superfluous energy could be stored from now on and none would escape into the atmosphere anymore. Consequently, within months, the wormhole would cease to exist as it wouldn’t be fed the energy anymore that made it possible in the first place.
After double checking the calculations, Spock had commended the young man for his excellent proposal. Chekov had blushed and shrugged his shoulders, stating that he was just doing his duty.
Ro-n-do had also reacted positively to the proposed action plan. He was grateful for such a practical solution and indicated that the Strah-leus would be keen to implement it as it was in their own, and everyone else’s, interest that no one would ever get lost in this area of space, or on D-JMA, anymore.
As Spock had walked past the men to seek out the heat of the desert a short time later, he felt how their eyes were following his every step. He was well aware that they craved his guidance, his wisdom, his sterile logic to help them make a decision. But he had already reminded them that this was an individual choice they all had to make and that he himself wasn’t sure yet which path he would take. They had accepted his response. In line with a rather pragmatic suggestion by Dr McCoy, it was decided that they would spend the first couple of hours individually (with the option to seek out others, as long as the person would agree to a conversation) to form either a clear, or at the very least vague, opinion regarding their individual preferences. Then, they would reconvene as a group and use the remaining hours to share their thoughts with the aim to support one another so that each man could reach a decision. Spock ensured his shipmates that he would rejoin them at that stage of deliberations at the latest.
He knelt on the dusty ground, his fingertips touched, his thumps crossed. He had found the perfect spot for deep meditation. D-JMA’s sandy wastelands reminded Spock of the deserts of his home planet. The sunbeams that were caressing his skin reinvigorated his body and mind. They would bolster the strength he needed in order to achieve clarity.
Now, in this relaxing pose, Spock was able to accept that his close brush with death had weakened his body more than he had realised at first. He was grateful that what was lying ahead of him wasn’t a physical but a mental challenge. The argument with McCoy had further drained his energy reserves. It had been testing, surprising and revealing in equal measure.
They hadn’t had much time left, but it would be enough for Spock to decide. He was well practised in meditation over complex issues. Logic dictated that he would focus on the most pressing issue first. He would be able to address any secondary considerations once he had attained an answer to the most important question.
Spock focused on what lay at the depths of his mind. The warm sunshine and the gentle sound of the desert breeze provided all the soothing he needed to reflect calmly and logically on the most crucial question he had to find an answer for – option 1 or option 2?
He was now able to admit that he was torn, tormented even, over how he should choose. Should he attempt to fulfil his duty towards his captain and friend, to the crew of the Enterprise and towards Starfleet? Or, if any of the men decided to seek out the planet that would provide them with a certain future, should he go with them, to aid them in their survival and help them build a new life in an unknown world? Would the doctor be amongst those that decided to embark on this journey?
Spock raised an eyebrow. It was intriguing that he was asking himself that question. Did it matter if McCoy would decide to do so? Did it really matter what the other men decided to do? Should their decisions influence his own?
Before he had left the others behind to commence his meditation, Spock hadn’t been able to detect from McCoy’s stony face which way he would decide. The CMO had appeared to him to be in deep thought. Why was he preoccupied with where the doctor’s mind was at, why was he wondering what conclusions he would draw?
He realised that should McCoy not decide the same way as he would, and Spock were to live, he would miss the doctor’s insights that had helped him understand his inner turmoil and emotions much better.
Fascinating.
He would miss the CMO, as illogical this might seem at first glance. They were so profoundly different in personality, in their approach to life, in their outlook, it had always been easy for Spock to overlook and disregard anything they had in common. They both were men of Science, albeit with different specialities of expertise. And of course, they shared the same best friend. But beyond that, Spock realised, was so much more they shared, as this rescue mission had clearly revealed.
They both had a deep sense of duty and loyalty - to each other, to their captain and to their shipmates. They would sacrifice their lives for one another, like Jim would sacrifice his for theirs. They both strove to preserve life (even if Spock, in this particular instance, had at first completely disregarded the option that would definitely preserve all their lives). Despite their stark differences in personality, they both possessed the capability of insight into each other’s motivations and reasoning.
As Spock pondered all those commonalities, he noted that they also applied to Kirk. It was only logical to conclude that, therefore, he should also consider McCoy to be a friend.
Through his studies of human behaviour and Terran historic art forms such as novels and movies, Spock had learned that Earthlings had the capability, the urge even, to find friends where they least expected them and often formed such bonds with people completely different in character to themselves. Naturally, there wasn’t a comparable emotional bond Vulcans were nursing between each other, so Spock was still learning in this regard.
Hence, if this mission had taught him anything new, apart from the amazing discoveries they had made where the Strah-leus were concerned, it was the fact that he could count McCoy as a friend. The doctor had been mistaken. Spock didn’t have one friend, but two.
Consequently, it was only logical that he was concerned about which decision McCoy would make. Just as he would be concerned about which option Kirk would choose, if he had found himself in this situation instead.
Spock needed to focus. His decision could not be clouded by his concern for individuals, particularly his friends. His duties and loyalties regarded so many people.
The thought that this could now mean that he’d leave all, or some, of the men to their own devices, tormented him. As much as he respected their professional capabilities, the unknown world that would await them presented him with too many unfavourable variables concerning their possible destinies. He took a deep breath and ordered himself not to indulge in contemplating those scenarios at this moment.
He had a duty to fulfil towards his captain and friend. He also carried immense responsibilities for the rest of the Enterprise’s crew who were currently missing their First and Science Officer. He also, crucially, had to fulfil his oath towards Starfleet. Last but not least, he also had duties to fulfil towards Science in general, which were of importance not just to Starfleet, but the Federation on a whole. All of those duties had to be considered when making his choice.
He didn’t fear death. He had come so close to the final barrier only hours previously. There was nothing to fear about the natural chain of existence that applied to all life. Being born meant embarking on the path that, irreversibly, lead towards death. What he did fear however, was leaving behind an incomplete life. He was relatively young, there was so much more he hoped to accomplish, so many more obligations he needed to fulfil for the common good. For it was logical that, if given the choice, he would always strive to serve the many, not the few.
Spock breathed in deeply. The hot, dusty air wasn’t troubling his Vulcan lungs. Soon, the sun would set and the temperature would drop. He no longer required the warmth of the local star to fuel his mind and body. His decision was made.
He got up, straightening his uniform and dusting off the sand from his trousers. He would now communicate his decision to the others. They needed to know - not to influence their choices - but because he owed them such transparency. He would not change his mind so it was logically, and emotionally, appropriate to communicate his decision to the men, so that they could make theirs, in full knowledge of how their First Officer had decided.
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They had about two hours left. Soon, it would be time to reconvene and talk as a group. Scotty, Brown and Chekov were sitting nearby, calmly talking to one another.
To any uninitiated onlooker, McCoy mused, the scene would appear to simply show three friends chatting and watching the sun set behind the horizon.
After Spock had told them how he had chosen a few minutes earlier, Bones had opted to sit by himself again. He wanted to come to a decision soon. Not just for his own peace of mind but also for his shipmates’ sake. If they know what I’ll do, it might help them to find the right paths for themselves, he pondered.
He couldn’t help but think that his, and Spock’s decision, would be crucial for the others to make up their minds. If you started a new life on some strange planet, you’d rather do so with a logical and pragmatic Vulcan and a Chief Medical Officer at your side, wouldn’t you? McCoy didn’t like the fact that Scotty, Brown and Chekov’s fates should depend on his own choice, but he couldn’t change reality. He was the surgeon amongst the group, so having him as company on that strange new world would always be preferable.
But what was there to decide?
Bones sighed. He shook his head as he stared at the dusty ground in front of him. The truth was, there was no decision left to make.
He had made it the moment Spock told them that he would attempt to return to the Enterprise.
50:50.
McCoy couldn’t help but smile. He had been worried that he’d be torn by indecision over which option to choose. But the moment Spock had spoken, he knew which path he’d walk down on.
He would follow the Vulcan.
Bones was surprised, a little shocked even, at his reaction to Spock’s decision. He instantly had known that he would choose the same option. All the indecision, all the pros and cons, the considerations for Scotty, Brown and Chekov … none of it mattered anymore. He would do like Spock.
Could he have ever made a different choice? He doubted that Spock would have ever opted to go to that planet, but he didn’t doubt that the FO had given it at least some serious consideration during his meditation. Spock had thought it all through, but the Vulcan’s connection and loyalty to the Enterprise and its captain, to his life that awaited him back on the ship, was too strong. Spock just had to take his chances.
And the same goes for me.
Furthermore, the thought of being marooned in a galaxy that would be out of reach from the Milky Way once the wormhole had disappeared - even with three companions he respected and also regarded as friends (especially Scotty) - but without Spock, for some blasted reason, seemed unbearable!
It was funny, really. Until a few minutes ago the thought of being stranded on the planet with Spock had also been unbearable! Bones chuckled. Despite the trepidation he felt, he just had to smile at this amazing conundrum. Wasn’t it all just fascinating?
McCoy walked over to join Spock, Scotty, Brown and Chekov. He didn’t beat about the bush.
“It’s option 2 for me, too”, the CMO declared with a steady voice.
Scotty, Brown and Chekov nodded, respect reflected on their faces. Spock nodded once in acknowledgement. Bones felt that he owed his comrades an explanation about how he had arrived at his decision.
“You'll always miss 100% of the shots you don't take, my dear old pop-pop used to say. We don’t know what exactly awaits us on this planet… maybe we’ll get stricken by illness, maybe we’ll lose our marbles in each other’s company…”, at this McCoy glanced at Spock who in response just tilted his head slightly, accompanied with raised eyebrows.
“… but this way, I at least will have a 50% chance of getting the best outcome possible! And I will take this chance, because if I don’t, I would probably spend the rest of my days regretting not having taken it”, Bones concluded with a soft smile. He felt at peace with his decision and he sincerely hoped that Scotty, Brown and Chekov would be able to achieve the same.
Both of Spock’s eyebrows had by now disappeared into his hairline. McCoy could tell that he seemed to be impressed by his statement. Probably because he recognises that my decision has been informed by logic and emotion in equal measure, he mused.
“Please excuse us, gentlemen. The doctor and I will give you some space to further consider your own positions”, Spock addressed Scotty, Brown and Chekov. His superior looked at McCoy expectantly and now it was his turn to raise an eyebrow, surprised. The Vulcan clearly had something on his mind. Bones followed him until they were a good few meters away from the others.
“If I were fully human, I would now take the opportunity to thank you”, Spock exclaimed casually to Bones’ amazement.
“Thank me? I’m afraid you’ll have to elaborate on that, Spock.”
“Such a conclusion was rather surprising to myself as well, Doctor”, the FO teased.
“Make your point, Spock! As much as I enjoy getting you to admit things, and I’m clearly getting better at it, we really don’t have the time for that right now, do we?”, McCoy’s warm tone was softening his obvious impatience.
“Very well. This might be as surprising for you as it was for me, but I am somehow comforted by the thought that if I were to die in 1.45 hours, it will be alongside you, Doctor, and not on my own. Although, of course, that isn’t the outcome I desire for either of us …”
Bones was too baffled at Spock’s undiluted display of emotion that he forgot to interrupt the Vulcan with the customary sardonic remark pointing out such a slip-up. So, Spock was free to continue uninterrupted.
“… I had hoped that you would decide against seeking out the planet. Had you chosen option 1, I wouldn’t have been able to follow you, or anyone else who might choose the same fate. Understanding this, filled me with torment”, Spock’s eyes had steadfastly me the doctor’s during his confession of sorts, but now they glanced towards Scotty, Chekov and Brown. Bones could clearly see the anguish in the Vulcan’s eyes he had just spoken of.
“Well Spock, I guess I have a surprise for you up my sleeve as well. You’ve finally managed to render me speechless!”, McCoy gnarled as he pressed his lips.
That blasted Vulcan, always good for a surprise until the last possible moment!
Spock wasn’t finished yet.
“It might appear convenient to claim so, but it is factual: It was my human half who spoke out-of-bounds earlier and for that I do apologise. I have never, and if we are to survive, I strongly doubt I would ever, think of you as a coward, Doctor. In reality, you are the exact opposite of a coward.”
Bones felt like something was stuck in his throat. Maybe the dusty air was finally getting to him. He harrumphed and coughed a little. After all the mad, unexpected and truly baffling things that had transpired in the last 48 hours or so, maybe it shouldn’t really be a surprise that Spock not only had just apologised to him, but he had praised him and also revealed that he cared about what would happen to him. And the Vulcan had refrained from falling back onto his usual caveat that any concern he might be displaying was solely regarding the professional role the doctor fulfilled on the Enterprise.
McCoy took a deep breath, before a long sigh escaped him.
“And I’m sorry that I’ve embarrassed you in front of the others, Spock. That wasn’t called for”, he responded quietly. He still felt ashamed about having exposed the Vulcan’s vulnerabilities in front of Scotty, Brown and Chekov. Maybe now that he had been able to apologise, his guilt could finally abate a little.
Spock just nodded once in acknowledgment. Both men held each other’s gaze for a few moments.
McCoy was first to speak again as his mischievous grin returned.
“Who would have thought, Spock, in what could turn out to be our final hour, you finally openly admit to, and embrace, your human side. There’s a heart inside there somewhere after all!”, at this he pointed towards the Vulcan’s torso with a wide smile before turning serious again.
“If things don’t work out, I shall be honoured to die alongside a friend”, Bones concluded gently.
“The feeling is mutual, Doctor”, Spock replied and the warm glow in his eyes didn’t make any more words between them necessary. What they had finally been able to acknowledge to themselves, and to one another, didn’t need any further explanations.
A few moments later, they were joined by Scotty, Brown and Chekov. Sensing that something crucial was about to happen, Ro-n-do also came closer now so that he could hear what was being said.
Spock and McCoy turned towards their three shipmates, the gravity of the situation reflected on the faces of all five men.
“Mr Spock, Doctor - the laddies and I have made ‘ar decisions, too”, the CEO explained with composure.
Bones and Spock exchanged a quick, serious look. They both couldn’t bear the thought of saying farewell to their crewmates and yet, maybe it was inevitable.
Scotty’s typical grin and cheeky twinkle in his eyes returned. Brown and Chekov smiled contently as the Scotsman exclaimed confidently:
“Aye, time tae head home, gents!”