Chapter Text
"Personal log, Commodore Matthew Decker, Stardate Four-two-oh-two point nine. Final entry. There is only one course left for me to take. One last shot at stopping that planet-eating monstrosity. There's a lot about this incident that reminds me of the engagement over Dimidium. In fact, when I met a Dimidian face to face, he told me they believed in sacrifice, laying down that which they loved and cherished in order to protect their world. This after a single Starfleet officer made the ultimate sacrifice to stop them from destroying a neighboring planet. I can't even remember that man's name now. All I remember is that he's another man who would have survived if not for orders from me. But he died saving the lives of his surviving shipmates because he couldn't live with the judgment he would face for what he believed was cowardice.
"That's where I'm at now. I've destroyed more than four hundred people who lived and died by my command, left their families with a gap in their worlds and their lives that can never again be filled. I know the void they'll be feeling. When my wife was dying, her final wish was to be laid to rest and become part of the earth. I swore on her grave that I would never let another planet be devastated as long as I lived. In trying to fulfill that oath, I got my ship wrecked; and I tried to save the lives of my crew by drawing that weapon away from them, but again I failed, and I got them all killed instead. I will never be able to live with that failure, therefore I cannot go on living. A man can only suffer so many failures before enough is enough.
"Jim Kirk, when you listen to this recording, I want you to know that my choice of death will give you a fighting chance for life. What I'm about to do will leave you in command of this situation. Don't risk yourself or your ship over a sentimental memory. I have one last thing to ask of you - keep an eye on Will for me. Set him a good example, and be honest with him about my decision. I can't imagine either he or my daughter Brandi will be impressed by my conduct over the past couple of days, but nonetheless I must strike one last blow to protect them, the Rigel sector, and all our hopes for galactic peace. End of log."
Kirk turned off the log recorder and stared ruefully at it with a sigh. He looked up at Spock and McCoy, standing beside the work desk in his quarters: the former had found the recorder in the turbolift Decker had taken to the lower levels. Four hours were past since the longest thirty seconds of their lives to date, during which Kirk had almost been obliterated with the Constellation as he blew its impulse reactor inside the planet killer to stop the thing dead in its tracks.
"Kenneth Odell," Kirk said simply.
"Who?" McCoy frowned.
"That's the man whose name Matt couldn't remember. He was left in command of the Leonis during the Dimidium crisis after his captain was killed. But he didn't have the chops for command. I'll never forget what he told me before he flew his ship into the missile's path - he could never face the judgment of anyone who survived that day. And yet....billions of people did, who wouldn't have if it wasn't for him."
"If memory serves," Spock said, "Lieutenant Odell was posthumously cited for valor for the action he took to destroy the Dimidian weapon. However, I find it rather illogical that Commodore Decker also chose the way of self-sacrifice. Surely he must have realized that he lacked the power to inflict severe damage on the machine."
McCoy rolled his eyes. "You know, Spock, it's about time someone told you," he growled. "Humans don't do things for logical reasons. Sometimes they do things for reasons even they don't understand at the time, even when they're the picture of mental health. I could've stopped Decker dead in his tracks if you hadn't invoked - "
"Another time, gentlemen," Kirk interrupted. "Matt did what he felt was necessary, to the same end as Odell and for the same reasons. If we're going to be logical about it, we should render the same departing honors. We'll hold a memorial service in the ship's chapel this evening."
"What's to memorialize?" McCoy said. "You weren't on board when he took over the ship, Jim. The man had a screw loose, and I never even had a chance to make a record of it, what with all the casualties he was sending me."
"He may have almost gotten my ship destroyed, but I don't want him to be remembered for a mental nervous breakdown," Kirk said firmly. "None of us would have had a chance if he hadn't done what he did. Spock's not wrong, Odell did receive the commendation of history for sacrificing himself. But at most, there are only three living people, myself included, who know what was really in his mind."
"Indeed, Captain," Spock said. "But history only shows what its recorders have chosen to reveal."
"Are you suggesting what I think you're suggesting?" McCoy looked at Kirk askance.
"Kenneth Odell believed himself to be a coward," Kirk said softly. "Matt Decker believed himself to be a failure. But when you examine both outcomes, Bones....it's clear that neither man deserves to be remembered that way."
11 November 2267
Ms. Brandi L. Decker
7470 Lakewood-Menominee, Province of Wisconsin
North America, Earth
Dear Ms. Decker:
Starfleet Command deeply regrets to inform you that your father, Commodore Matthew R. Decker, died in the line of duty on Stardate 4202.9 (Earth date 20 October 2267).
The captain's log of the U.S.S. Enterprise, also involved in the incident, discloses that while Commodore Decker was in command of U.S.S. Constellation, he intercepted an automated alien weapon of unknown extragalactic origin. The weapon, which was engaged in indiscriminately destroying entire planets and consuming their remains, disabled the Constellation and rendered Commodore Decker the sole surviving crew member. According to the Enterprise log, he thereupon initiated an attempt to destroy the weapon by piloting his ship into its interior and overloading the impulse engines, causing a massive fusion explosion that permanently deactivated the weapon.
Unfortunately, the Enterprise's transporter had been damaged during the engagement and could not be repaired while the Constellation's engines still possessed sufficient explosive force. As a result, the Enterprise was unable to transport Commodore Decker to safety before his ship was destroyed.
Your father bravely sacrificed his own life to protect the many billions of inhabitants of the Rigel sector and uncountable solar systems beyond. He will be remembered with according reverence in the historical records of Starfleet and the Federation. Enclosed please find a posthumous citation for the Federation Legion of Honor, in recognition of his courage and extraordinary heroism. A representative of Starfleet Command will be calling at your home in the coming weeks to present the award to you in person.
Again, please accept our condolences on your father's loss and our sincere gratitude for his honorable service to the Federation.
Very truly yours,
Fleet Adm. Robert T. April, SFC-UFP
Commander-in-Chief, Starfleet