Chapter Text
It’s fair to say that Spock is one of her favorite crewmates, past or present. As someone who’d been referred to as more of a computer than a person, it was easy to have some empathy for someone else criticized for not being ‘normal’ enough. On top of that, after she’d been able to be out about being Illyrian, they’d talked about their shared experience of being non-humans in Starfleet. Spock is logical, and deeply curious, and she likes both of those things. Loyal - she could always count on him to have her back, and always Chris’s - and dependable whether it was a routine day or a crisis. Reliable.
Well, most of the time.
And the ‘most of the time’ made it easy to forget the fraction of the time that Spock would go and do something absolutely batshit insane.
“You left him,” she says, in furious disbelief, “with the people who held him captive - who tried to force him -” she can’t even say it, she’s too angry.
Spock dips his head in acknowledgement. “They’ve changed. They have kept to their word upon our departure. That has been consistent in my communications with Vina and … in my own experience with them, upon returning to Talos IV.”
Like that makes it any better - Chris had risked his life by going against Starfleet’s order - the order he had helped write - with Discovery to get Spock back from that. And now Spock had risked his own life - pardoned or not, the risk had been real, and quite frankly she’s sure the official report was glossing more than a few details, she was so angry she didn’t even have time to go into her anger about that risk - to put Chris back there.
“And you believe that? After what they did? You think you can trust anything from - even putting that aside -” she adds. “You took him to a planet so close to total civilization collapse it was kidnapping people and left him there?”
Spock’s expression is entirely flat. “I have been there, and I have been in communication with them. They have had the medical and nutritional resources for Crewman Vina and they have confirmed that they have the resources for Captain Pike as well.”
She waits for a moment, expecting more explanation. Silence. “And you just believed them? At their word? Spock, you are a science officer, for the love of -”
“The Captain,” Spock starts, and then pauses. “I will know if the Captain is not well.”
She takes a breath. “ Please tell me that means you’ve set up stable communications with Talos IV.”
“It involves … Vulcan telepathy.”
She stares at him. “I thought that was mostly - contact based?”
“Not …in this case.”
She stares at him.
He stares back, and finally cracks. “It involves… Vulcan katras.”
She blinks, and then, after a moment, sighs deeply. “Not all of us have Vulcan psychic soul bonds with Captain Pike, that we somehow didn’t tell anyone about , Spock,” she says, her voice forcibly restrained. “You want me to count on - what if something happens to you? No,” she continues, finally resolved. “We’re finding a way back. I don’t care how many Starfleet arms I need to twist.”
---
“ - yes, this is the Captain.”
He hears Spock’s voice first, and then -
“Number One? What are you doing here?”
“What am I doing here? What are you doing here?”
Chris looks between her and Spock. “Uh -” Did you not tell her?
“When I found out Spock had brought you here, I thought he’d lost his mind - and frankly, the jury’s still out on that. Though I suppose I have to trust at least his telepathy to confirm this is really you and not just a Talosian trick.”
“It’s me. Though the fact that I’m like this -” he gestures at all of himself - not really something that can encompass the lack of crushing pain “- technically counts as a Talosian trick.”
“Chris -”
“Una - what are you doing here? Starfleet -” he looks at Spock - if both of them had risked themselves for - what -?
She waves a hand, “We wheedled out approvals ahead of time, Chris, I didn’t go haring off like this one. But you -”
“Captain,” Spock says, “I will leave you and Number One to this discussion.”
He shoots Spock a look. You’re just dropping in and then leaving me like this?
Spock looks at him, not a crack in his level expression.
Fine. “Sure, Spock. Vina’s just over the ridge, if you wanted to talk to her.”
He nods. “Number One and I are going to take a walk this way. I have something to show her.”
---
When Spock comes over the ridge, he sees Vina, sitting on a tree branch.
She looks over her shoulder at him, surprise dawning over her face. “Spock! I - you found a way back. Is everything alright?”
“Number One… had concerns about Captain Pike’s situation. She managed to find us a way back here.”
“Well,” Vina says, “I am sure Chris is happy to see you back - you both back. I hope we can allay those concerns. Given… what happened when she was here last, I suppose no one could blame her.”
“There are some… indications, that her concerns have merit. A closer investigation from orbit of power and related resources suggest that they may not be sustainable for the lifetimes of you and Captain Pike.”
She frowns slightly. “That wasn’t my field of study. And I suppose things have substantially advanced since I’ve been gone from Starfleet. I suppose it’s possible.”
“I take it you haven’t been given reason to have concerns about your situation.” Spock says. “No… returns to any similar situations to when Number 1 was here last.”
“No.” She shakes her head. “Everything’s been - well, it’s been different since Chris returned,” she smiles a little. “But we’ve been well. There’ve been no problems with the Talosians.” She looks at him. “I said to bring Chris here, I didn’t leave then. I didn’t leave before that, even. Or when you were first here. It was worth it.’
“All is as well as it appears, then?”
She gives a little laugh, without much humor. “‘It feels as good as it looks.’ It means I feel like I’m in a human body that’s not reassembled with joints grating against each other, organs squeezed and spine out of place. It doesn’t hurt to move, or laugh, or sleep.”
“Chris explained something similar.”
She smiles. “I know.”
“Chris… has been well?” He starts. She nods. “The last time we spoke, you said you were looking forward to getting to know the real Christopher Pike.”
Her smile widens. “I have been glad to,” she says. “It has been… different, to have someone else here. It was just me and the Talosians for so long, and only a few years, really, where I was… free.”
He tilts his head, considering her. “You mentioned your choice to stay, each of the times Starfleet vessels have reached Talos 4.” She nods. “When I brought Chris here… I asked him whether he wished to stay. I did not ask you.”
She laughs “I would not have said that you should bring him here if I thought … that this was a place I would want to leave. If I had wanted to try and leave, I would have asked,” she says. “I know I am isolated from the rest of the world… from the rest of the galaxy here. But I still chose this. I have my own world here.”
He looks around. The scenery around them appears thickly forested, sunlight dappling through the trees.
She shakes her head. “Why should I force myself through unnecessary pain just to fit? To interact with the world in a way someone else considers real and correct? I’m happy.” She shakes her head. “I don’t need to walk through their world in pain just to have them look at my body with pity. My body - that’s not my self. My body walking away from here, through another world, onto your ship, even - that’s not what makes me present. It doesn’t mean I can be myself there.”
Spock nods, thinking of how he had caught only fragments of Chris’s thoughts as Chris had pushed through pain on Starbase 11. Thinking of how Vina had been projected to speak with him on Enterprise, and, he was sure, Chris on Discovery. “I do not mean to dispute your decision. Merely to be sure I know and understand it.”
“You might not, but…” She trails away. “Is Number One going to try and convince him to leave?”
“She wants to be certain that he is well, wherever he is. As do I,” Spock says.
“You convinced Starfleet to let you come back here for that,” she says, considering. “To break the isolation.”
“We have discussed some of her concerns, and … possibilities I may not have considered.”
“Well,” Vina says. “I suppose we’ll see what she has to say.”
---
When they make their way to where Chris knows his physical body sits, he waves a hand. “You can let us see.”
As his body - what little of it is visible outside of the surrounding metal - appears, Number One stares with the implacable expression that shows nothing.
She waits a moment, as if expecting something else, and then turns to him. “So you’re in a wheelchair, Chris, I knew al -”
“It’s not that.”
“Then what is it? What is it that I’m not seeing? The communications technology could be improved beyond -”
“You can’t see it, not -” Not without Spock’s telepathic abilities, “but - in there is just. Pain. Like constant fire and smoke. It’s not just the technology of the chair that’s limiting. It doesn’t matter how many lights or switches there are if just reaching one takes all the strength I have. I don’t even know if I would have had the energy to reach more switches. Now? Now I can have a conversation with you and I could have a conversation with Spock after this, and then maybe even do something else, and I’d still have the energy to think afterwards. That’s what this is. It’s letting me live.”
“Under the control of people who abducted you -” she waves an arm around. “This isn’t the real world, Chris! This isn’t - ”
“And I got to be a part of the real world from my hospital room?” Chris snaps. “At least now I can sleep.”
That gives her pause. “You couldn’t sleep?”
He shakes his head. “Only snatches. That, or thoroughly drugged unconsciousness.”
“If they knew - if Joe knew - they could have found a way -”
“They didn’t.”
“But they can,” she insists. “Chris, come back to Starfleet. You know you don’t need to be dependent on this -”
“I am dependent on this. Me -” he waves a hand up and down. “Being able to be - to have any kind of life - any kind of self that you can recognize - “
“I don’t believe that’s true.”
Chris looks at her, and he drops his head. Of course there had been a part of him. A part of him that had tried to protect Spock. He had been there, it had just - “You’re right,” he says. “It’s not all this. But what there was before - that was a - it felt like being a shadow of who I was. I can’t be anything close to all of myself when so much is being eaten up by pain, when it costs that much just to say no.”
“And you are here? Yourself?”
“More than I could be as I was. Much more.” He shakes his head slightly and admits, “I’m not the same as I was before. There’s the neuronal damage, and - it’s not the same kind of fatigue as before, but they can’t give me mental energy, or repair the brain. I have to sleep and rest more, and sometimes I forget words, or lose track of memories. I have a good idea of most of my limitations now. Some things that would be part of getting old anyway,” he says, and she chuckles. “But they’ve - separated me from the bulk of the pain. I can sleep. And when I’m not fighting through that pain, I can do more with the energy I have. Like talk to you.” He smiles.
She looks at him, considering. “And that’s -” she pauses, for just a moment, “- that’s worth being dependent on these people? Not even tryi-”
“Do you think I didn’t know what I was choosing when I chose to stay?” Chris shakes his head. “I know what they did to me, what they did to you.” He can practically hear Number One’s teeth grinding. “I know what they’re capable of better than anyone but Vina. But I know what Starfleet has, and what they tried - and they did try, Number One. Being dependent on this wasn’t a hard choice to make.”
“Even when it means leaving all of your friends? Not being able to see any of us again?”
“There’s a lot of people I won’t be able to see again,” he says, almost too quietly to hear.
“Being cut off from the rest of your life?”
“There’s surviving, and then there’s living,” he says. “I was already cut off from living any kind of life - from all of you, in any meaningful sense.”
“You didn’t let any of us know. We didn’t have a chance to visit you -”
“I knew what was going to happen,” he says, and Number One winces. “I knew. And I wanted you to remember me as me. Not as a shade.”
“And now - this is you.”
“Yes. By luck and Spock’s stubbornness,” he says, spreading his hands.
There’s a pause. Number One shakes her head slowly. “Do you really think that? Surviving, and living. Do you think you couldn’t have - ”
“I -” it’s an easy answer, but years of respect - love, friendship, and trust with Number One mean she deserves his fullest consideration. He thinks about it again. “I can’t say for sure . Maybe. But - the life I have here, the ability to -” to really sleep, to not be forcing himself through pain every single moment. He trails away, waves a hand. “I decided it was worth it.”
“‘It wasn’t a hard choice to make.’” She repeats his own words back at him.
“I - I should have let you know. I should have let you visit me, before.”
“I… well.” She shakes her head. “I can understand.”
“Still. I’m sorry.” He shakes his head. “I’m glad you’re here now. And - I made this choice, but if you think I don’t miss you every day -”
“Chris, I don’t know if I’ll be able to make it back here. If either of us will. What we had to jump through to get here…” She stares at him. “You can’t really just expect us to leave you here, at the mercy of these -” she waves a hand, “ - these - manipulative bastards,” she tacks on, sounding as though she couldn't come up with anything sufficiently derogatory to satisfy her.
“I do,” he says. “I’m sorry, Una. But the past months, compared to the months before - this is a life I’m happy living, as much as I miss you all.”
“Just you and Vina.”
“And the horses and barn cats.”
“That aren’t real.”
“I know. But they do make for a nicer life,” he says, and they are suddenly walking into a barn. He crouches down to pet a barn cat.
“You can just - you did that?”
“Well, the Talosians did, at my request.”
“A good way to persuade you to stay.”
“They haven’t done anything I haven’t asked for.” He stands up. “I know, you’d have to be crazy not to be suspicious. But - it has changed here.”
Una looks around, and finally leans back against a stall door, reaches up and lets one of the horses sniff her hand. “And yet, but of the fact that Spock and I already knew - and about a mile's worth of favors and paperwork - we’d be dead for coming here.”
“I made the choice knowing that you couldn’t -”
“You made the trade-off between that pain and being cut off from the rest of the world. From the rest of us.”
“Talos IV being cut off - that was the agreement from our report.”
“Reporting on the Talosian’s beliefs.” There’s a furrow in her brow.
“You’re getting at something.”
“Why are we taking them at their word that their illusion technology would destroy every other civilization? You’ve already proven that humans are ‘uniquely resistant’ or whatever other bullshit they offered up as an excuse. And honestly - we’re on the verge of comparable technology anyway.”
He chuckles. “If we were, that would solve a lot of problems for me.”
She frowns. “Not - what they can do for you. But at the very least, I don’t think gaining the power to live in fantasy is so unique to them. Or so inherently destructive The Talosians … losing themselves in their mental powers to the point they lost their ability to manage their technology, to survive - it’s a tragedy, yes. But it’s one that happened after a horrific nuclear war that drove them underground in the first place. That’s its context.”
“So you’re proposing…?”
“You shouldn’t have to make the trade off. Remove the Federation restrictions on Talos IV. That we still have the death penalty in place for anything is already barbaric enough.”
“On that, we agree,” he says. “But I already got Starfleet to change its mind once, on genetic manipulation. I don’t know if I can ask -”
“ Not genetic manipulation. Me. And the handful of others who managed to make a case that fit the precedent they set for me. I got asylum, because they were forced to see how my context fit that law, and not the law I broke.” Una says. “In that future, that Discovery was sent to - we don’t know that Stamets’ genetic modifications aren’t considered illegal in whatever Starfleet exists in the future -”
“Starfleet allowed -”
“Starfleet gave him a pass at the time because they needed him - because they were forced to pay attention to the context in the middle of a war! Context that they’ll ignore unless forced to. I know that perfectly well.”
“Una -”
“Do you think he was prone to becoming a world-conquering megalomaniac? Stamets.”
“... No.”
“And if he had stayed, would Starfleet have seen that, or would they have seen Khan Noonien-Singh?”
“If he had stayed, I would have -”
“I know you would have fought for him. You would have done everything in your power to get him help that would give him the best chance. And that might even have won the day, too. Just like you did for me. But you know how close a call that was. And La’an could tell you how prone Federation citizens are to seeing Khan Noonien-Singh where he’s not.”
“What point are you trying to make?”
“The Federation …” she shakes her head. “The Federation is right about a lot of things. But they have a tendency to take a horrible tragedy, pick one prominent element of it, and think that should no longer happen ever, to avoid another tragedy. Sometimes they’re right. But sometimes they jump at something without taking into account whether there truly is an underlying pattern, much less causality, or how that case is shaped by its context.”
“That seems like a bit of an oversimplification.”
“Is it? Khan Noonien-Singh’s existence was shaped by a horrific period of Earth’s history. The horrific actions he took made him a monster, not his DNA. La’an proves that. She’s not a monster. Neither am I. Neither is any Illyrian. And neither is Paul Stamets.
“And it took hundreds of years and significant risk for Starfleet and the Federation to accept me. It saved me , but a colony died trying. How many other Illyrians missed their chance? How many are missing their chance now, and suffering for it? And how much does the Federation lose by keeping us isolated?
“It’s the same here, on Talos IV. We’re forgetting that its context was the largest part in making it a tragedy.” She looks at him. “If you believe that this place has really changed - if you’re going to spend the rest of your life here - why shouldn’t that ruling be changed?
“People can come here. Visit you. You shouldn’t have to have to trade communication with the rest of the world against - against something you need. You don’t have to be cut off from the rest of us. And -” she adds, with mounting energy. “We can make it so this option isn’t closed to only you. I didn’t - I didn’t understand why this was so important to you, why this was something you were willing to depend on, but now - if I was in your position, I don’t know if I wouldn’t make the same choice.”
“I -” he starts, and finds he doesn’t know what to say. “I’m glad you understand.”
“I wish… I wish I didn’t have to. I can’t ask you to change your choice any more than I’d - disallow Commander Nhan’s medical implants, so she’d have to work while struggling to breathe.”
Wouldn’t ask a human to go to the Vaultera Nebula system without an oxygen mask. Or -
“Or disallow holoconferencing, so she couldn’t make a call from an environment where she could breathe normally. But - Chris - maybe it doesn’t have to be that choice.”
Maybe there’s a way that saves all of you.
But there hadn’t been.
This - this is different. The crystal hadn’t shown him anything of what Spock had done - hadn’t shown him anything beyond making it clear that the pain of fire and smoke and melting flesh would go on and on -
This is different. And if anyone can find a way, it’s Number One.
“Maybe it doesn’t have to be a choice between limited interaction in our world full of pain,” Una continues, “or less pain here but interaction that’s … limited differently. We can change it. There’s no good reason other people shouldn’t be able to be a part of this world, or that others in similar positions shouldn’t be able to choose to - to interact with the world differently. Obviously,” she adds, a bit more wryly, “we can’t count on everyone having a friend who’s willing to go off-rails and steal a starship and risk their life to come here. What next? Making people exchange currency for assistive technology and medical treatments?”
He snorts.
“And if we let research teams come here - let them try to understand how this technology, how their telepathy works, we could -”
He frowns sharply. “I don’t want to have to be a guinea pig.”
“And I didn’t want to have to be a shining hero with a perfect narrative to justify my existence, but sometimes we don’t get what we want.”
Her voice is harsh. He stares at her.
“I’m… sorry. That went too far.”
“No, I - I didn’t know you felt that way.”
“How could you? I never told you.”
“I … I never meant to make you feel that way. If I did…”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“I think it does.”
“Oh, Chris.” She smiles, and shakes her head. “You’re too hard on yourself.”
He isn’t so sure.
Thinking about the Vaulteran Nebula… well. Number One would understand trade offs regarding isolation, and pain.
“I wouldn’t let you be a guinea pig,” she says, changing the topic, and - well, he lets her. It seems only fair.
“I know you wouldn’t,” he says. “You certainly didn’t the last time I was here.”
She shoots him a crooked smile. “The Talosians, on the other hand… well, they could stand to help support some good intentioned Starfleet research. And they might not have a choice, from the state of things. At the very least, they need some support to keep you alive for the rest of your natural life; at this rate, they’ll run out of resources.”
“Wait, really?”
She looks at him with a frown. “That’s another reason we need to let other people onto this planet. You don’t know what they’re keeping from you. You and Spock might believe they’ve reformed, but I don’t. They asked Burnham to relive one of her worst memories with Spock as payment for helping him. How do you know you’re not just soap opera to them? Just a different kind of -”
“I live here, Una. You don’t need to patronize me by saying I don’t know what’s -”
“I am not trying to - it is not your fault, it is not anyone’s fault but the Talosians if things are being deliberately kept from you in order to exploit you,” she says. “You deserve - you deserve to have access to enough information and perspectives to make your own decisions, and if you’re - relying on the Talosian’s power, you deserve to have oversight and advocacy on your behalf. Wouldn’t you ask the same for anyone else?”
“Vina -”
“God, Chris, look what happened to Vina! She’s a case study in why these people shouldn’t be trusted. I wouldn’t have thought you’d need the reminder.”
“What do you think is going to happen -”
“I don’t know! But I know we lose when we isolate people out of fear. And that’s what we’re doing,” she says. “You - you and Vina - shouldn’t be alone in this. We shouldn’t - needlessly cut off anyone here. Leave them isolated, or restricted. We wouldn’t do that to anyone else who - who needed some other form of technology to interact. We don’t just - shove people out of sight instead of giving them what they need to live. And if what you need to live is here - then we shouldn’t be keeping that isolated.”
He smiles. “You’ve really come around on this technology.”
“I was your first officer for years. I know how to listen to someone else’s perspective and realize when they have a point.” She smiles in return.
“And you’ve never been afraid to tell me when I’m wrong.” His smile widens. “It’s what made you a good first officer. The best.”
“Maybe we can never replicate the technology. Maybe there isn’t technology or another species out there that can reach through and give you an - an experience of life without chronic pain, and everything. But at the very least we could let other people be a part of your life here, even if they only visit.”
“I… I would like that.”
“Me too.” She says. “I miss you. We all do.” She puts a hand on his arm. “You fought for me, Chris. Let me fight for you. Let us fight for you.”
“I’d say something about picking fights you can’t win…” he says with a grin, and she rolls her eyes, “But I don’t think I could stop either of you.” He laughs. “I tried to stop Spock, and that’s a fool’s errand…”
“Chris.”
“You’re right,” He says. “And I don’t think there’s anyone better to make the case to Starfleet than you. I’ll do whatever is needed to help.”
She smiles at him. “That’s what I’m trying to do for you.”